Midget Jones’ Diary

1. She has the same name as me. This is very important, as I’m a total narcissist. If you don’t believe me, just count the number of times I refer to myself throughout this blog. It’s not pretty. Anyway, it does make it easy to remember.
2. She can swim faster than me.
3. Her favourite All Saint is Melanie, “the one with the horse face.”
4. She accuses me of staring at her roots, which I think is rubbish as I never notice things like that. I’m more concerned that I may focus on people’s eyebrows rather than their eyes. I may need some more practise.
5. She can swim faster than Mr T. riding a dolphin.
6. The roof next to the clock at Slough train station looks like a robotic owl. You may notice that this isn’t really related, but it totally freaked me out just now.

So, in summary, NO I’M NOT BUYING YOU A HAT.

I remember this moment very clearly. I was with a friend of mine in Sainsbury’s, buying supplies for a birthday party that afternoon. I bought a bottle of Miller gin, twenty-four cans of tonic and six limes*

We’d just been listening to the Beastie Boys’ song Intergalactic in my car. As I was wandering around the aisles in search of cheap snacks it dawned on me I’d been singing “Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension” on constant loop in a crazy robot voice. Whilst pointing out my behaviour, my friend said that he’d always thought the words had been “Comin’ to getcha, I’m comin’ to getcha”. I think he may be suffering the early stages of paranoia**

It turns out that last night he thought he could hear people whispering the lyrics to ‘Stairway to Heaven’ behind his sofa. He clearly isn’t drinking enough gin, because I never hear these coded warnings in songs. I’m actually a bit jealous. Anyway, I hope he doesn’t read this because I’m planning on adding subliminal messages on to all the tapes in my car. With a bit of luck, the next post I write may be as the charismatic leader of a fledgling religious cult. Wish me luck!

* When I worked for a well-known off-license chain, they sent the promotional material through for the new Doritos ‘Hint of Lime’ flavour crisps. Some dyslexic/bored graphic designer had managed to get a tag proofed and printed and sent to hundreds of stores with the words ‘Hint of Lamb’ emblazoned across it.

** There may have been ‘outside influences’ involved.