Midget Jones’ Diary

I remember this moment very clearly. I was with a friend of mine in Sainsbury’s, buying supplies for a birthday party that afternoon. I bought a bottle of Miller gin, twenty-four cans of tonic and six limes*

We’d just been listening to the Beastie Boys’ song Intergalactic in my car. As I was wandering around the aisles in search of cheap snacks it dawned on me I’d been singing “Another dimension, another dimension, another dimension” on constant loop in a crazy robot voice. Whilst pointing out my behaviour, my friend said that he’d always thought the words had been “Comin’ to getcha, I’m comin’ to getcha”. I think he may be suffering the early stages of paranoia**

It turns out that last night he thought he could hear people whispering the lyrics to ‘Stairway to Heaven’ behind his sofa. He clearly isn’t drinking enough gin, because I never hear these coded warnings in songs. I’m actually a bit jealous. Anyway, I hope he doesn’t read this because I’m planning on adding subliminal messages on to all the tapes in my car. With a bit of luck, the next post I write may be as the charismatic leader of a fledgling religious cult. Wish me luck!

* When I worked for a well-known off-license chain, they sent the promotional material through for the new Doritos ‘Hint of Lime’ flavour crisps. Some dyslexic/bored graphic designer had managed to get a tag proofed and printed and sent to hundreds of stores with the words ‘Hint of Lamb’ emblazoned across it.

** There may have been ‘outside influences’ involved.