Midget Jones’ Diary

And here it is, the inaugural Service Station Review! Ah, Leigh Delamere… a place of disparity; it is home to the highest highs and lowest lows you’ll ever find in a service station. Although not as low as Gordano, but more of that later.

Let’s start with the highs shall we? Namely:

• Marks & Spencer Simply Food - A very welcome addition to any service area. The westbound side has a really nice blonde girl working there. I want to marry her, but all she wants is my sushi and a curt conversation involving PIN numbers.
• Vibrating chairs - There’s something enjoyable about sitting on a massage chair in a public place. Everyone looks at you, and thinks ‘Man, he looks relaxed, I wish I wasn’t in such a hurry to go to Wales’
• The World’s Hottest Coffee - Courtesy of the Upper Crust, which also helpfully explains the origins of the French stick. They used to put them down their trousers for some sordid reason, those dirty, beret-sporting bastards. But they have harnessed the secret of ultimate insulation, because we’d almost got to Devon before I could even take a fearful, puckered sip on my cappucino.

Ok, now the bad:

• The petrol station, at night - Oh God, where to start? This place brings to mind some kind of petrol-station-of-the-damned scenario. It’s worth mentioning, for the sake of fairness, that I went here at 3am on a Tuesday morning, so my emotional state may have been somewhat clouded. But still, petrol station night staff aren’t well known for their social skills so I think it was a fair battle. All I wanted was to pay for my Eat Natural bar (macadamia nut and dark chocolate, potential stalkers and sponsors!) but the dried-up old crone serving was having a lengthy conversation with a trucker. When I eventually got to the front, all she could do was laugh manically. She was literally cackling while she was serving me and I still have no idea why. Maybe I reminded her of a joke the trucker told her. All told, it was very unnerving and I’m never going back there after sundown.

So, there you have it. Leigh Delamere; both the apex and nadir of Great British service stations. I give it four M&S borlotti bean salads out of five.