Midget Jones’ Diary

Well, I woke up this morning without being greeted by excruciating pain in my eye, so this is already better than last year’s birthday! Yes, scratched retinas are no joke, especially when you have to fill your eye with oozy paraffin-based antibiotics that makes you look like an extra from A Clockwork Orange. Apparently, though, the eye is the part of the body that heals itself quickest which was a blessed relief, even if the idea of wearing an eye patch was quite an attractive one.

The observant amongst you may have noticed that you’re reading a blog. To be perfectly honest, it’s all jealousy. Everyone else has got one now, and I mean everyone. I suspect even my Mum’s got one, and she only just knows how to turn on the computer. Jealousy gets a bad rap, though. I only took up the trumpet because my best friends Chris and Miggy started lessons. 13 years later I was a Royal College of Music dropout, realising that I didn’t really enjoy playing the f*cking thing, so I think we all know who the winner is there.

Anyway, back to the point. I’ve wanted a blog for a while but I always thought I’d code it myself, just because I can. The trouble is, if everyone saw that I had time to code a blog from scratch then the whole delicate façade I’ve created will be destroyed, and I’ll actually have to do things during the day rather than sit around in my pants and watch Diagnosis Murder. I’ve stupidly given myself a day off on my birthday, so rather than going to work and being able to corral people into wishing me well, I’ll be at home. Maybe I’ll go to M&S and buy a tiny cake, then throw it against the wall in impotent rage. I think that’s enough for now.